Limericks

Jan 19, 2019
Originally published on January 19, 2019 10:35 am
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call to leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 or click the contact us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. And for all of you out there too nervous to call in and play - I know, we're intimidating - now you don't have to. You can play the new WAIT WAIT Quiz available on your smart speaker. Just ask your Alexa or Google Home to open the WAIT WAIT Quiz. That's open the WAIT WAIT Quiz. And Bill and I will be right there inside your little device to ask you some questions and to hear your answers. It's just like the radio show, only now when you shout things at us, we will hear you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Give it a try. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ZACH SCHIERL: Hi there. This is Zach Schierl calling from Cedar City, Utah.

SAGAL: Cedar City. Now, where is Cedar City? Are you near some of the great national parks there, like Zion?

SCHIERL: We are. Yeah, we're near - kind of in between Zion and Bryce Canyon National Park.

SAGAL: Oh, right. It's beautiful there. What do you do there?

SCHIERL: I'm actually a park ranger for the National Park Service.

SAGAL: Oh, wow. So you know all about it.

(APPLAUSE)

MO ROCCA: Are you not getting paid right now? Seriously.

SCHIERL: That is correct.

HELEN HONG: Aww.

ROCCA: Sorry. Well, I hope...

SAGAL: Furloughed I believe is the official term.

HONG: That's why you have the...

SAGAL: Furloughed.

HONG: That's why you have the time to call in?

SAGAL: So what are you doing with your - what are you doing with all your free time?

SCHIERL: Well, this is, I would say, the highlight of it so far.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. All right. Zach, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Are you ready to play?

SCHIERL: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Salt and vinegar crumbs on my lips make me feel an effect in my hips. I am put in the mood by my salty snack food. I'm turned on from this big bag of...

SCHIERL: Chips.

SAGAL: Chips...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Yes. Potato chips are finally sexy. Snack food maker Tyrell's has created aphrodisiac-flavored chips - or crisps as they call them over there. It's a sensual mood setting combination of honey, chili, salt and crumbs on your sweater. It's food that makes you feel more sexy while driving away anyone you might actually want to have sex with.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Apparently, honey and chili are a powerful aphrodisiac combo. But it's going to really suck when you accidentally get a bag of sex chips from the office vending machine.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, spreadsheet, don't mind if I do.

(LAUGHTER)

ALONZO BODDEN: I'd never thought of honey and chili going together. Isn't that pretty far apart on the flavor scale?

SAGAL: I guess that's why it's...

BODDEN: Sweet honey, hot chili - that actually sounds like the start of a good stripper bit.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Exactly. See right there.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: All right. I stand corrected.

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: With armpits, I've never been vain, bro. But I've found this great ROYGBV stain, though. I explore all the hues just like unicorns do. And my armpits look just like a...

SCHIERL: Rainbow.

SAGAL: Yes, a rainbow.

KURTIS: Rainbow.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Good for you.

SAGAL: It's the fashion trend you didn't know about. So you didn't know that you were - you could hate it. It's called unicorn armpit hair. People are dyeing their armpit hair all the colors of the rainbow. And this time, the treasure at the end of it is a funky smell.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Wow.

BODDEN: Are we, as a society, just getting so lonely that people are like hey, I'll try this?

SAGAL: Absolutely.

BODDEN: I'll try that. I'll...

SAGAL: Anything.

BODDEN: Some rainbow hair with some chili, honey chips.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yep. We're just looking for meaning wherever we can. All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: We think grassy grain liquor will seem blah. Grab a large rock of ice and a clean straw. Sip a gluten-free malt from Peruvian vaults. We're making our whiskey from...

SCHIERL: Straw?

SAGAL: No. It's a tough one. You may not even know this.

KURTIS: That's hard.

SAGAL: I'll give it to you. You've already won. It's quinoa.

SCHIERL: Oh, quinoa.

SAGAL: Quinoa.

SCHIERL: Quinoa.

SAGAL: Quinoa. Finally, a beverage that combines the pretention of someone who drinks single malt whiskey with the smug satisfaction of someone who eats quinoa.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The only way it could be worse - if the whiskey were also somehow a vinyl record.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Distiller Darek Bell started experimenting with quinoa-based whiskey a few years ago due to its, quote, "distinct flavor and perceived health benefits." Oh, right. No, honey, you're getting it wrong. I'm not a drunk. I'm a health nut. Bill, how did Zach do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Zach got two out of three.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Zach. And I hope...

SCHIERL: Thank you.

SAGAL: ...You get back to work soon. Good luck to you.

SCHIERL: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF HANK WILLIAMS JR SONG, "WHISKEY BENT AND HELL BOUND") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.